20 Signs You’re Dating a Narcissist – Look out for these red flags (according to experts)
The popular perception of a narcissist is someone who is self-obsessed and in constant need of admiration and attention.
But to be honest, Narcissistic personality disorder, or NPD is more complex than that.
If you are dating a narcissist it can be tricky to spot the traits at first but gradually as your relationship with a narcissist progresses it becomes more toxic and emotionally draining for you.
So if you suspect that your partner is a narcissist, watch out for these 20 typical narcissistic character traits and then take an informed decision.
Narcissistic traits or characteristics
Mental health professionals say that up to 5% of people have NPD and it has been found that 75% of people with narcissistic personality disorder are men.
The American Psychological Association in their official book Diagnosis and Statistics of Mental Disorders (DSM 5) have listed some common characteristics for NPD. These are:
— A persistent pattern of grandiosity (trying to appear impressive)
— A need to be admired.
— Having fantasies about being successful, beautiful, powerful, or believing in an ideal vision of love.
— Carrying a sense of entitlement
— Believing that they’re unique, special or of high-status.
— Lacking in empathy.
— Tendency to be manipulative and exploit others.
— Behaving arrogantly.
— Being envious of others.
Signs You’re Dating a Narcissist – Watch out for these red flags
Love Bombing
Love bombing is a typical NPD characteristic, and would be one of the biggest red flags at the beginning of your relationship.
Love bombing means your partner is showering you with all the attention, gifts and grand romantic gestures.
A narcissistic partner would literally worship you at the beginning to make you fall for them.
But unfortunately your love bubble will burst as soon as a narcissist realizes they’ve won you over.
So be careful of anyone who comes across as too eager in the early phase of dating.
If you feel things are moving too quickly, like you partner is already talking kids and marriage or discussing living together, consider this a huge red flag.
Clinical psychologist, Avigail Lev was quoted by Upjourney as saying if your partner is frequently making these below statements you need to be careful.
— “I feel like I’ve known you my whole life.”
— “I’ve never felt this way before about anyone.”
— “I’ve never met anyone like you in my life.”
—“You are perfect. I’ve never been this attracted to anyone before.”
Signs you are dating a narcissist – Note these massive red flags at the early phase.
To win you over quickly they may divulge personal details or embarrassing stories of their close ones you haven’t even met, and they’d rarely regret that. They often embellish their stories to project themselves as heroes. But since they lie frequently they can’t keep their facts straight, so they cook up several versions of an incident.
A narcissist tries to isolate you from your close ones
The main agenda of a narcissist is to have all the control and power in their relationships.
A narcissistic partner would try to cut you off from your friends, family, and your co-workers to make you more dependent them.
Infact anyone who is your well-wisher and God forbid sees through their ruse would be a thorn for your narcissistic partner.
So if you are dating a narcissist, note if your partner badmouths those close to you or wants you to cut loose anyone from your circle they don’t like.
Narcissistic Partners care deeply about their image
Most narcissists are obsessed with how others view them, so creating a good impression and maintaining a positive image is important to them.
They need to project a sense of perfection in front of others, like they are living the perfect life.
This attitude may spill on your relationship too, like your partner may expect you to be project a perfect couple image when you guys are together.
Narcissists have low self esteem
People with NPD have low self-esteem as they struggle with feelings of insecurity, despite projecting a confident image.
Licensed professional counselor Katherine Fabrizio MA, was quoted by Good Therapy as saying, “At their core, the person with narcissistic personality disorder is deeply insecure. They feel unworthy, ashamed, and empty.
They hide this emptiness from themselves and others with a set of defenses that act as a storefront… all while hiding the fact that they feel truly empty.”
Narcissist partner will gaslight and manipulate you
Once a narcissist knows that you love them and are fully devoted to them the cycle of manipulation begins.
They’ll find faults with you, and may also imply you’re stupid or incapable of managing things or taking decisions.
A narcissistic partner would often remind you of how you’d be doomed without their help.
Humiliating and putting you down feeds the fragile ego of a narcissist.
Here’s how a narcissist manipulates you – red flags you shouldn’t miss
They pick on you constantly, it may feel like teasing at first, but after a while they’ve a problem with everything you do, wear, eat, go and hang out with.
They downplay your achievements and would infact take credit for your efforts. This is because a narcissist cannot accept if the spotlight shifts on someone else.
Narcissistic abuse can often be subtle, where its takes a passive aggressive form. In public your partner may treat you exceptionally well thus covering-up any signs of abuse.
Gaslighting by a narcissist
A common narcissistic trait is gaslighting, where your partner makes you question your reality by shamelessly distorting facts and lying to you. Like for example, a narcissist may gaslight you statements like:
— “No, you never told me that”
— “Do you think I’ll forget something this important?”
— “I never said that, I remember exactly what happened.”
— “No, I never agreed to it.”
How gaslighting by a narcissist affects you:
— You may be anxious and less confident than before.
— Your partner makes you feel you are always wrong.
— You often apologize to your partner.
— You think before answering your partner and wonder if your response is appropriate.
— You feel something’s off, but can’t pin-point exactly.
— You often find yourself defending your partner to others.
— You feel you are changing as a person.
— You always blame yourself when things go wrong.
— You begin questioning your sanity and wonder if you are being too sensitive.
— You tip-toe around your partner so as to not trigger them.
— You are often on the edge, stressed, crying and angry.
They have a constant need to be loved and admired
Narcissists need constant attention and validation, they love hearing how amazing they are.
A narcissist will expect you to make them your center of attention. They think they’re the most important person in your life.
Most health experts agree this need for attention is an attempt to fill-up an emotional void that often goes back to childhood where perhaps they didn’t receive the love, attention and confidence of their parents.
Narcissist partners lack empathy, they can’t connect on a deeper level
Life Transformation Coach, Natalie Maximets says that narcissist lack empathy as they process emotions is differently than others.
She adds that, “narcissists are more superficial, it is very difficult and scary for them to look deep into themselves, so they suppress their feelings. As a result, narcissists are unable to empathize with others.”
They always like to have the last word
A narcissistic partner always wants to have the last word. They can be very hurtful and say super mean things, during arguments.
They’ll not stop until they have the final say in any matter, even when taking decisions where the consent and understanding of both partners is necessary a narcissist will prefer taking a decision on behalf of their partner.
They stonewall discussions
You can never reason with your narcissistic partner, they’ll never listen to you.
Instead you’ll be given the silent treatment, where a narcissistic partner may stop communicating until you relent.
This is another typical narcissistic technique to bully and make you feel guilty.
They never admit their mistakes
Dr. Julie Hall says, accepting a mistake forces a narcissist to take responsibility for their actions, which is inconvenient for them; they would rather blame anyone and everyone than accept their mistakes.
Accepting mistakes also goes against the basic narcissistic notion of being perfect and superior to other people. Their ego gets bruised if they admit their faults.
They cannot take criticism
Psychotherapist, Kimberly Perlin, states that narcissists can be really sensitive to any feedback; they may perceive it as criticism even when it’s not.
“They can use the feedback as evidence that you are not a good partner and bring it up in a confrontation even when the situation does not apply to the feedback given,” she says.
They don’t have any lasting friendships
Narcissists don’t have many long-term friends.
They may have frequent conflicts or push everyone away with their self-absorbed behavior.
If you suspect your partner is a narcissist notice how many close friends they have, if your partner does have friends, note how they interact with them.
Narcissists often play victim by making their ex a villain
Narcissist love to play the victim by portraying their previous partners as horrible people.
It is common to vent out against your partners to others when you angry or facing a break-up but generally most people do reflect upon how both parties were at fault ultimately leading to a break-up.
But narcissist lack the ability of self-reflection so if your partner has set a narrative in which all their previous partners were “bad” and “terrible,” people, that’s a massive red flag.
They feel superior to others
A narcissistic person wants to feel superior so they expect others to give them a special treatment.
They can behave arrogantly and won’t stop to consider how their words or actions may affect others.
An interesting thing to note here is how your how your partner behaves people who are in service sector, for example people in restaurants or malls.
How to protect yourself if you are dating a narcissist
Breaking-up is a wise choice
Narcissism is a spectrum and full-blown narcissism is quite rare, but even so if you choose to end the relationship it is definitely a wise choice as being with a narcissist is challenging.
Assess your relationship, if you wish to continue
If you’re still invested in the relationship assess how frequently your partner shows their narcissistic traits. But remember you cannot fix them so rely on your intuition if this relationship is worth-saving.
Getting your partner to acknowledging the problem
This will be the toughest part, because narcissists never do self-reflection and accepting they have NPD would be a huge blow to their ego.
Get professional help but don’t expect overnight changes
If your partner acknowledges the problem get professional help but even then expect setbacks; it would take too much pride for a narcissist to realize the true state of the mental health.
Remember you can walk away guilt free
No matter how much you motivate a narcissist, the change has to come from within which may take years, so give yourself a time-frame and don’t feel guilty if you decide to move on.
Get all the support you can after break-up
Get yourself all the emotional support and therapy because narcissistic abuse is damaging. Also talk about your abuse when you are ready, it can be quite liberating.
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Suktara
Hi! I’m Suktara, the creator of this website with a background in communication and passion for personal development, relationships, and mental health. I created this space to share honest insights and practical advice on dating, love, relationships, and self-improvement.
